Prince of Silent Pain

A most pleasant day turned unpleasant

2007-06-20T06:06:53Z

Just as Father had promised, he went to see me this morning. He was in a much better mood than last night and forgave me. He also tried...well, I'm not exactly sure what he was doing, just that he made me feel things I had never felt before. Father said it was what I made him, and while it did feel pleasant...it started to hurt after awhile. That's when Father left me, saying I could go out.

I've already made up my mind to continue seeing my friend and just make sure Father does not get wind of it. I really want to see him again, in all honesty, but I'm not so foolish as to go looking for him the day after being forbidden to do so!!

But that's exactly what happened. My fellow heretic and I ran into each other near the kitchens. I brought him to my room, knowing that would be the last place my guards would be looking for me. He got upset when I told him I couldn't be seen with him, so I kissed him. I love him. Not like how I love Father, I love Father above everyone else in Heaven, but I love him. I didn't want him upset.

He gave me a new wreathe of flowers. I'm keeping it with the old one Father had destroyed last night. My friend had seen those, but he didn't get mad at me. Afterwards, we went outside to the courtyard and climbed the forbidden peach trees. I'm worried for my friend. He told me he had eaten some of the peaches. But he seemed okay to me, so I guess everything is okay.

We saw another heretic in the training fields today. I don't know him. My friend wanted to go meet with him, but remembered that he had to meet someone for lunch. So I let him leave. I think he was heading for the market, and I couldn't be seen there again. Definitely not with him.

When I got back to my quarters...my guards were waiting.

I thought they had my friend in their custody. It certainly seemed like it. I could hear his cried from the other room--sharp, scared, in pain! I already know that we--he, since I am under Father's protection--must suffer things like this for being a heretic but I couldn't do just nothing. He's my only friend here in Heaven, and the only one who loves me aside from Father.

The guard demanded that I do the things I do with Father with him. He wanted me to show him my love for Father. It was hard. Father is the only one I love, the only one I'm supposed to love like that. His hands touched me almost the same way Father's do, but it just felt so wrong. I had to do what they asked though, or they would hurt my friend...

I don't really remember much. It's all...blurry. I know it was an unpleasant experience though, very unpleasant. I think I even drew my sword. But, I ended up making a new...well, I want to call him friend. His name is Zenon and he's a soldier. He was really nice. He comforted me and promised to check up on my friend.

I hope he's ok...

I'm so tired. I think I'll go to sleep.

A visit from father

2007-04-29T07:50:56Z

I just had breakfast. The servants had brought them here into my room and waited for me to finish, then took the half-empty dishes out with them. I already knew the door would be locked but, still, I checked. Locked, of course. Father had left me last night saying I would not be let out until he says so and I have never heard Father say anything that he has not carried out, or had others carry out for him. There is not much to do outside, but I wonder when they'll let me out....

That is to say, yes, I did see Father last night. And to think I was writing about him not having much time for me these days just hours prior!

It was...not entirely pleasant. I had no doubts he would find out about my trip to the market with my friend, but I didn't think he would be so...so furious about it. He had not hurt me, but he was shouting and saying how I was bringing shame to the family. I didn't really understand, but to appease father....

It is clear, though, that Father does not want me to see me together with my friend and his friend-- Field Marshal Tempo or something. A Gensui...yes, I think I might have seen him in some meeting of the army or another. Anyway, I don't know. I've always followed father's orders without a thought, but this is one time that I'm uncertain. That guy is my friend. And he really is a lot of fun. He interests me. I think, maybe, if as long as father doesn't find out, I can still go meet him.

Father destroyed and threw the braid of flowers I have carefully kept at my dresser. I fell asleep soon after father left the room last night, but I immediately rescued them this morning. I have placed what is left of the braid in an empty box and then hid the box at the very back of my dresser drawer. I had thought of keeping it underneath my bed, but one of the servants might come clean the room and throw it out.

He didn't stay mad at me for very long. For me, it is easy to please father, because I was born to do just that. Once his anger was gone, Father was very gentle. Father is scary when he is gentle, especially when he whispers to me that he loves me. I hope I was not trembling when Father started to take off my clothes. He would have thought that I was lying when I said I love him as well.

But I wasn't lying! Of course not! I really do love Father. Above everything else.

Still...I am afraid of him as well.

Father kissed and touched me and I responded just as I always have. But when he placed his tongue inside my mouth, I couldn't meet it with my own even though I knew I was supposed to. I thought he would get mad again and leave me, but he didn't. He just continued, taking my hand and placing it inside his robes with his hand. Father's show of love was always over soon after this.

But then...instead of giving that wetness that covers both our hands, he did something else...something he has never done before, something different and...and I really wasn't sure what I was supposed to do. I suppose it was my punishment for not kissing him properly, but I really didn't know what else I was supposed to do with my tongue that Father was ordering me to.

Father got mad and threw me to the floor. Then he fixed his clothes with very angry words and left me.

After Father's visit last night, I was very upset and immediately went to rest as he instructed me to. But even though I've slept for what seems like a very long time and my wounds are all but healed now, I still feel very tired. I wonder if Father will visit me again anytime today? If he does, I promise to love him properly this time if he allows me to.

Locked up

2007-04-28T07:30:48Z

The guards had locked me up. I wonder if they had gotten permission from my father to do this. I know they wouldn't have the guts to do so otherwise. Although...maybe. They've already realized my weakness. It's annoying. They now use father's name to get me to obey them. As if they now hold power over me as well. Of course not, father is the only one I obey and love, but if father suspects anything of the sort...well, they could kiss their jobs good-bye.

That is, of course, if father finds out. He is usually too busy these days, earning more and more of the emperor's trust on his own, with my achievements as his spring-board. I'm not afraid...not really. If I do everything father tells me to do, he won't throw me away. Father needs me and if I obey everything he says, then he'll always keep me by his side.

Just a few hours ago, I was at the market with that guy. He's someone around my age I met a few days ago, while hiding away after that prank I pulled on the emperor (palace ink is the best, the marks on his face are still a bit visible). He didn't look at me with respect or fear, so my guess is he doesn't know me. I've never seen him before either...he's really a funny guy. Too bad we couldn't spend much time together, because the servants saw me and brouhght me back to the palace.

But I saw him again earlier! And then this man he must know, an adult with dark hair and a pair of glasses, invited us to have a picnic with him! We went to the market and the man let us pick everything we wanted. It was so much fun! Food is always served here in the palace and I never get to pick what I want to eat. Hmm...not that I can pick very well. The market is a colorful place and there are a lot of kinds of food I have never seen before. My friend knew many of them and which of them tastes the best, he's so great!

But...I didn't get to go the picnic or eat the food we picked for it. The guards caught me. And they...they used father's name. I couldn't do anything but let them lead me away. I couldn't even say good-bye to him, or thank the adult with him, or reply when he called out my name. I'm so sorry for leaving him like that. I want to see him again. I wish I can see him again.

So, the guards took me away from the market and brought me back here to the palace. The servant-girls fed me some of my favorite snacks...but they don't taste half as good as that guy let me taste. Then the guards took me to my room and...well, here I am locked up.

I don't know when they're going to let me out. Saa...I don't really care, I guess.